Time to interview a Republican

This just in: Once upon a time, I was a Republican. Once upon a time, I never voted along party lines. Today…I can tell you that I will not vote for anyone in the Republican Party or for anyone hoping to join that bowl of corruption.

Still…we do agree from time to time. Read the following “Interviewing an average Republican on the street” transcript and see if you can find the common ground.

Me: There is overwhelming evidence that Trump held back funds for Ukraine in an attempt to benefit himself personally. Why is this not an impeachable offence.

Republican: They had all of the chairs in the wrong place during the witch hunt.

Me: I see…Let’s try this….Why should Trump be allowed to assassinate a top official of a foreign country that we are not at war with.

Republican: He was a bad guy. We are better off without him.

Me: That may be true. But, does this imply that we can assassinate anyone that we consider a bad guy? Specifically, should that be done without consulting Congress?

Republican: The Democrats love terrorists and hate Americans so Trump had to act on his own.

Me: Let’s move on. Recently, on a United Airlines flight, I was offered an egg-white and Kale Pastry. Isn’t this just taking some fashionable health food and wrapping it in a donut?

Republican: Yeah. That’s some bullshit right there.

Me: Recently, at a rally, Trump talked for about 2 hours. An analysis showed that 75% of the claims he made were easily proven to be false; and yet, his fans still love him and even cheered at the lies. How do you explain this.

Republican: Trump was sent by God and we all know that God works in mysterious ways.

Me: Try again but this time be honest.

Republican: Okay…just this once…Trump is working to keep out people that are not white or that worship a different collection of magic than I do.

Me: With regards to Trump’s impeachment, why won’t he let people that are in his inner circle testify. Wouldn’t they be able to clear his name if he is, in fact innocent.

Republican: No, you shut up.

Me: Why are you fingering that gun stuffed in your belt.

Republican: You are confusing me with facts and I find that threatening.

At this point, I decided to end the interview.

Time to save the world.

Up, up and away…

Jim

Interviewing Republicans

This just in: The White House, a couple of weeks ago, released a partial transcript of a phone call between Trump and the leader of Ukraine.

There are two things about this; one is in dispute and one is not.

First, Trump asked Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden. The president of the United States asked the leader of Ukraine to investigate Trump’s political opponent. This is not in dispute. You can read it yourself.

Secondly, it appears that Trump is asking for a favor (investigate Biden) in exchange for U.S. military assistance. The reading is fairly clear on this but if you don’t want to see it that way, there is some wiggle room.

Both of these are wrong, highly illegal and impeachable offenses.

There is a whistleblower that is also saying that Trump said what we saw he said in the transcript. In other words, we have a transcript from the White House that agrees with the whistleblower.

In response, the Republican Party defends Trump by pretending the transcript, which we call all see, does not exist and therefore, the whistleblower is the only evidence of wrongdoing. They also say that we should make the whistleblower’s name public – the exact opposite of what whistleblower legislation allows. The consensus opinion on this is that this is just witness intimidation….which is also illegal but is now supported by the entire Republican Party.

Lately, reporters have been asking Republican Congressmen if it is okay for a president, any president, to ask a foreign country for help against a political opponent. They don’t say “Trump” but just ANY president. Note: The correct answer is “That is not okay and is highly illegal.” So, there is a simple, single, correct answer.

Here is how various Republicans are answering the question: “Is it okay for any president to ask the leader of a foreign country for help against a political opponent?”

“I like poptarts”

“I just pooped myself a little.”

“Red crayons taste strawberry.”

“What’s really important is Benghazi.”

“No hablo Ingles.”

“This is really about Obama and you see that politicians when climate change hoaxes us out about China is cheating really bad but sends beautiful letters while Biden which hunt.”

“I know a kid that belongs to 5 book clubs.”

“I am outraged that the Democrat committee arranged chairs in a semi-circle instead of a straight line. How is that fair? This is an outrage!”

This is just a small sampling. I wish someone would put together a string of these and post it on Youtube. I would find it funny. Republicans would watch themselves say something and then turn to whoever was watching with them and say, “I didn’t say what you just saw me say.”

Time to save the world.

Up, up and away…

Jim

Stranger in Strange Land

This just in:  I recently returned from a week-long vacation in New York City.  As a country boy from Wasco, a 29-mile tractor drive from Bakersfield, I expected to be unimpressed.  I expected crowds.  I expected traffic.  I expected noise.

What I didn’t expect was to be impressed….but I was.

How did this happen? 

Let’s start with the sights; things tourist go to take pictures of as proof that they had a good time.  Yes, I saw Times Square.  I rode a subway. I paid my respects at the 9/11 memorial.  I saw Billy Joel (and surprise guest John Fogerty) at a sold-out Madison Square Garden.  I walked through Harlem and peeked into a window at the Apollo Theater.  I walked the grounds of Columbia University and I ate a pretzel as I strolled across the Brooklyn Bridge.

I didn’t hit all of the sites.  I didn’t get a chance to see the Eiffel Tower or the Giza Pyramids.  The Louver was closed that day and the line was too long at the Mount Rushmore ride.

Then, the most extraordinary thing happened in the most ordinary of places.

I was at an intersection.  There were impossibly large crowds at every corner.  My corner army made eye contact with those on the opposite side.  The light was about to turn green.  The stage was set for a middle-ages battle scene.  I reached for my broadsword.

Then it got weird.

The crowds rushed towards and through each other with a practiced fluidity that defies description. There were no “bumps” or “get out of my way!”  We just walked forward and ended up on opposite sides; unscathed.

Something had just happened, and I didn’t quite see it yet.

As time went by, I began to notice two things.  First, it was always crowded and yet didn’t feel that way as people noticed each other and each made small movements to accommodate the other.  Secondly, I noticed that the population seemed diverse.  I’m not talking about some white guys and some brown guys.  I’m talking about dozens and dozens of nationalities.  Men, women, old, young, suits, rags, rushing, coasting, laughing, reading, texting, talking, tall, short, skinny, and… robust. There were business suits chatting with pink leather pants.  Gays, straight and miscellaneous getting on with their lives, free from judgement…or judging.

Languages shifted as one group passed out of earshot and another approached.

I expected white men in suits, rushing off to Wall Street and what I got was a cross section of mankind flowing seamlessly in and out of each other’s lives. 

I watched the Lyft driver and the shop keeper, and the subway rider and the ticket taker, all treat everyone as if they were the same.  That sameness being that they were all different.  All different.  All equal and all part of New York.  Even as a tourist, I was the same.  While I was in New York, I was one of them and they were glad I was there.

I eventually spoke to a few locals about what they liked most about their city.  Without exception, the first comment was, “The diversity.”

I’m not sure how New York pulled this off.  I suppose that if you put few million people into a single city they must choose between peaceful coexistence or self-annihilation.  Whatever happened, it appears to be self-sustaining.  It works for them with such success that they embrace it with seemingly every moment of every day.

I wish I could spread the word.  If the people of the world, just for one day, became New Yorkers, there would be no more wars…ever.

I’m now longing to go back again.  I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps and walk out into a world rich in colors, sounds and voices.  And…if the line isn’t too long, I’m going take a ferry over to see the Rock of Gibraltar.

Up, up and away…

Jim

Note: The title of this post is in reference to a book by Robert Heinlein of the same name. Read it!

I’m Confused

This just in: Every now and then, I’m having a conversation with someone and my conscious mind leaves the room. Then I hear something like “Don’t you agree,” to which I nearly always answer with “North Dakota.”

There are other things that I either don’t understand or can’t quite get my head around.

For example, I see the U.K. and the E.U. as members of “my team.” I want them to succeed just like I want the United States to succeed. Their success is our success. This is why the Brexit thing has bothered me. This is like a lose-lose-lose situation.

Why would anyone in the U.K. want out of the E.U.?

I saw an interview that may shed some light on this.

Reporter: “Why did you vote in favor of the U.K. leaving the E.U.?”

Girl: “Well, I heard that they were trying to tell us what chicken eggs we have to buy.”

That’s it! I actually saw this interview.

Meanwhile, people in the U.K. are asking people in the U.S. why they support a president that ignores intelligence briefings in favor of notes passed to him from Putin or Fox and Friends.

Reporter: “Why do you support Trump?”

American: “He says what’s on his mind.”

It should be noted that the homeless man sleeping on the front porch of Macy’s in San Francisco has the exact same qualifications.

And here is one I came across while learning Chinese. There are about 50 ways to say “chi” in Chinese and they all mean something different.

For example: “Chi chi chi chi….chi, chi” Means “I went to the market today and the fish was old but they had Caramel Ice cream.”

The response to this statement is: “Chi….chi-chi!!!” which translates, as far as I can tell, into “North Dakota.”

Time to save the world.

Up, up and away…

Jim