This just in: I have been watching CPAC highlights over the last few days. This is a conference in Florida where Republicans get together and masturbate. The reviews have not been stellar so I thought I’d talk to a few “composite” Republicans to get their take.

Me: I see that you are all about Freedom and the Constitution. At least, I heard a lot of people saying they would “fight” for such things. Does this mean that you now support voting rights?

Republican: Of course we support voting rights; specifically the right to block people from voting against us. We also support the right to lie about election outcomes if we lose the election. It’s really all about freedom baby!!

Me: But when you tell gullible peo….I mean….when you tell Republicans that the election was stolen, even though you know it was not, aren’t you really trying to make the election be overturned in the most un-democratic and anti-constitutional method possible?

Republican: Look, there is tons of evidence that the election was rigged.

Me: They why don’t you share that information?

Republican: We will…in a couple of weeks.

Me: Moving on…why don’t you wear masks at the convention in accordance with the recommendations of the best medical minds on the planet?

Republican: It’s all about freedom. We should have the freedom to infect and kill as many fellow Americans with COVID-19 as we want.

Me: Kind of like your position on guns?

Republican: Exactly!!! You really get me.

Me: Since you brought up the pandemic, tell me about your plan to help the economy recover. You seem to be against the 1.9 Trillion dollar bailout that has the support of the greatest economic minds in the country.

Republican: We have a plan. We will be releasing it in a couple of weeks.

Me: Staying with the pandemic, it looks like it is really putting a strain on healthcare and causing extreme financial distress for many families unable to afford healthcare. What is your plan to help with this?

Republican: A couple of weeks…

Me: Texas looks like they screwed the pooch with their “Freedom Electrical Grid” where they allowed profit-seeking power companies to be in charge. What say you?

Republican: Texans have the freedom to fly to Cancun if they don’t like the weather. Just ask freedom loving Ted Cruz.

Me: Staying with economic issues, why are Republicans against raising the minimum wage? People making starvation wages are a huge financial burden on the rest of the country.

Republican: If people want to make more money…they can move to Cancun.

Me: What?

Republican: In two weeks…

Me: Off the record (fingers secretly crossed), it appears that you have no position on anything. You have no plan to solve anything. Your only hope is to influence people by saying the words, “Constitution” and “Freedom” over and over again while banging your hand into your fist.

Republican: Off the record? You are correct. But…it works! High five!

Time to save the world.

Up, up and away…

Jim