This just in: I’m sure Republicans see themselves as patriotic. I think I’m going to try that on for size. I will claim to be a patriot and then tell you why…as if I was a Republican.

I’m a Republican patriot so I am against mask mandates. I feel it is an American right to vastly extend the length of time the country needs to suffer from the pandemic and it’s my right to aggressively infect other people with the virus against their will.

I’m a patriot because I believe that Trump won the election. I believe that it is unlikely Biden won for 2 main reasons: (1) I am a Republican and (2) Other Republicans told me Trump won. As a patriot I strongly support the hunt for why Trump lost. I think it is important that Republican state legislatures are able to overturn the will of the people because voter fraud may be so clever that we can’t see it but know it happens every time one of our own loses an election.

I’m a patriot so I support our country distancing itself from NATO while supporting Russia. NATO is bad and Putin is good because Donald Trump said so.

I’m a patriot so I think white lives matter. By this I mean, while lives matter more. We are a white Christian nation and letting non-whites and non-Christians into our country weakens us.

I’m a patriot so I am not getting a vaccine. I saw on Facebook where someone knows someone that got a headache from the vaccine and was cured by taking horse deworming medicine. It’s a free country so don’t you try to tell me that science is right and all of the websites I visit are wrong.

I’m a patriot so I feel it is my duty to curse at and threaten anyone that feels differently than I do about any issue. It’s called First Amendment rights.

I’m a patriot so I can carry my unregistered gun anywhere. This is my Second Amendment right. The founding fathers wanted me to be able to fight off a tyrannical government. For example, if a president ignored the Constitution, broke with our allies and started to partner up with a communist government, we could stand up and fight. Unless that president is a Republican.

I’m a patriot so I have the right to protest. I can even attack a national institution like Congress because I am a citizen and I therefore own this. Since it is my right, I can lawfully attack and kill police officers that are trying to stop me.

I’m a patriot so I can take up arms against anyone that I personally believe stands against what I stand for. I can threaten and curse. I can go online and masturbate to QAnon. I can ignore facts. I can support anyone that I want, including those that are trying to end our democracy because I am uniformed and mad that my life is not what I want it to be.

Time to save the world.

But first…I need to shower the Republican off of me.

Up, up and away…

Jim