This just in: I was recently asked, “What personal characteristic do you have that is getting worse with age?” My immediate response – I become more impatient every day. Combine this with the fact that people are starting to fly again and you get today’s blog. (By the way “amateur” is a really hard word to spell.) I am going to list those things associated with the flying public that bug me.
The Sound of Music Phenomena: This is when a family of 4 or more walk through the airport side by side. They remind me of the Von Trapp family holding hands as they simultaneously sing and flee the Nazis. At an airport, this creates an impenetrable wall of humanity on the concourse that can only be bypassed by taking a great circle route through Tulsa.
The Bash Burger line: This is when people line up at a food joint form a tightly packed line that stretches straight across the concourse instead of bending parallel. This is another impenetrable barrier This one can be overcome by standing near the line and shouting, “Hey, there is no line at the pretzel place.”
The phone walker: For some reason, people on cell phones can’t walk in a straight line. At the airport, they bury their heads in their phones and then just follow the cues of whatever youtube video they are watching. If they see a kitten run off the screen to the right, they swerve to the right. Plus, they are slow-walkers. The trick is to time their movement and accelerate quickly past when the moment is right.
The back looker: This is the person that looks where he is walking and then turns back to see where he was walking; the assumption being that is no one was in his path the last time he looked forward, that path will be clear for the next several minutes so no need to watch where you are going. When I see one of these, I just stop and let them walk into me. We lock eyes and instantly both know what happened.
The sudden stopper: This is when a person or a group of people decide to suddenly stop and regroup. This can be in the middle of a jetway during deboarding or in the exact middle of the concourse. No one knows they are going to stop until they do. The resulting pileup all around them goes unnoticed by the parkers.
The slow deboarder: On a plane, when its time to get off, its time to get off. Amateur fliers don’t seem to know this. When they finally see its time for their row to get up and off the plane, they seem surprised. Only then do they stand in the isle and put on their coats and repack their diddy bag and wrap their scarf just right. The take their roller bag which is 20 inches wide and try to drag it down an isle that is 18 inches wide; refusing to acknowledge this fact; stopping at each row to straighten their bag with the apparent believe that the next row of seats will give a wider birth for his roller bag.
The rental car perfectionist: I usually rent way in advance and don’t have to wait in line for a car, but when I do, the person ahead of me is making sure they are renting the exact car they want. How much mileage does it get? What color is it. Can I get only some of the insurance? This goes on and on. I have literally seen a single person take over 30 minutes to rent a car while a line of 20 stands behind in line.
As you can tell, I am a frequent flyer ass. I view everyone at the airport as my enemy. They are all walking the wrong direction and at the wrong speed.
I don’t want to be this way. Even worse, I am certain that someone like me sees me as the amateur. If I ever meet him, I will tell him what a terrible person he is…just like me.
Time to save the world.
Up, up and away…
Jim
