Illegal Drugs…solved

This just in: I just read where there was a major seizure of illegal drugs at an airport yesterday. It’s time to solve this problem.

Not only the drugs, but I heard a surfer landed in Malibu the other day towing a boat loaded with Chinese prostitutes. Add to this, the “rapist tunnels of Canada” where rapists, and other bad actors are entering our country illegally to have their way with our womenfolk.

We don’t need to put up with this any longer. I have a plan.

I think we should build walls around airports. I’m talking really, really tall walls. Yes, a plane can fly over walls but that’s not the point. The point is that a wall is a symbol that “We don’t take kindly to your kind here.”

On our southern border, we need to build underground walls to stop all of that tunnelling. We can get Canada to pay for it by promising not to build underground walls on our northern border and thus leaving their rapist trade uninterrupted.

As for these Mexican surfer dudes (I assume they are Mexican because of their dark skin, although that may be a tan)…we need something better than a wall. I suggest a moat. A moat around the entire nation’s coastline. This is a great idea for three reasons: (1) building a wall to keep out surfers is just stupid, (2) There is lots of readily available water to fill the moat and (3) Moats kept people out of castles like 2,000 years ago so they must work.

Aside from rapists and non-whites, there are others we need to be protected from. Take the homeless for example. We can wall them in as well; not with a wall that has slates, but a solid wall so we can’t see them and pretend they don’t exist. These don’t need to be tall walls because the homeless almost never have access to quality ladders.

As for those pesky religions that are not correct in their beliefs, we can put them in walled areas with a single exit. For them to get out, they must first get by my church’s greeter who will insist on shaking their hand and then asking if they have let Jesus Christ into their lives yet. This will keep them in with such effectiveness that we won’t even need a gate.

And finally, what to do with the gays. You know who I’m talking about; those people that gave their souls to the devil by acting in one of two ways: (1) a way I find offensive or (2) I way I want to behave but am afraid you will judge me and send me to hell.

I would write something now about lowering taxes for the rich in order to pay for our roads and schools but I can only pander to the Republicans out there so much before my soul withers and dies.

Time to save the world.

Up, up and away…

Jim

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