This just in:  A bad night’s sleep makes Jim a Dull Boy.

Given the opportunity, I will sleep like a koala.  The need to work, eat and occasionally interact socially with others are the main roadblocks to this ultimate lifestyle.  A typical night has me tucked away for about 8 hours.  I like to toss and turn; always seeking the cool spot.  Interestingly, I also like to wake up from time to time and peek at the clock.  There is nothing as satisfying as seeing I have several hours of sleep time left to go.

This came to an abrupt end a couple of nights ago.

I stayed at a hotel with pillows made of drywall.

When I go to a hotel, I like a coffee pot and iron in the room.  A television is nice.  A bed is desirable but not mandatory.  I can easily sleep on a floor with a bath towel for a blanket.  When it comes to sleep….I’m a professional (or would be if I could get paid for it).

I do have an achilles heel.  I have to have a fluffy but firm pillow.

A Firm but Fluffy pillow represents a continuous function of “head height”.  Depending on my mood and sleep position, I can make the pillow thinner or thicker…by increments of microns if I want.  Since I spend my nights sleeping in every position possible, I need a pillow that can change to accommodate my needs.

A thin, hard pillow is the exact opposite of flexible.  It offers a single height; take it or leave it.  You can fold it or even stack another fhin pillow on top of it.  What you end up with is a step-function pillow scenario.  You can have a single height pillow or, by stacking, you can have a double or triple height pillow.  However, if you need a pillow height of 2.365 pillows…you are out of luck.

I can’t be the only person that knows this.  I can see all of my readers nodding in agreement thinking, “Jim is making a great point here.”

How can a hotel operator not know this.  I was at a brand new hotel.  They’d spent tons of money on carpets and beds.  As I checked in they told me about the new elliptical machine in the fitness center.  But they forgot about the pillows; apparently choosing the lowest bidder who used extra car seat materials to cobble together the thing stuffed into the pillowcase on my bed.

Alas….

Speaking of elliptical trainers….I have one.  Can’t use it because my back has apparently vetoed all things “not sleep.”

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have back problems.  For the last couple of months, I’ve been doing great.  The secret is that I start every day with a 25 minute yoga routine.  I also do a lot of “core” work.  I do so much core work, I’m certain that I have a six pack….at least I’m fairly sure.  The problem is that my six-pack is hidden behind a protective layer of Popeye’s Chicken and Taco Bell’s Carnivore Platter.  My wife calls it my muffin.

I call it insurance against a Zombie Apocalypse.  You see, I read a book a few years back about a whaling ship that got sunk at sea.  This was apparently not an uncommon thing at one time.  When it happened, everyone would get into a life boat and try to see how long they could go before they started eating each other.  Inevitably, the captain lasted the longest.  Not because he was a leader.  He lasted because as captain, he ate better than anyone else on the ship and thus…had a protective layer of fat over his six pack.  This allowed him to stay stronger longer.

I see this as a potential edge when the world collapses into Zombie Apocalypse.  Food will be scare as Zombies are notoriously bad farmers.  As survivors go searching for food they increase the likelihood of a “zombie bite”.  My protective “muffin” will allow me to lay low, hopefully until Brad Pitt can find a cure.

So there you have it…

It’s not always about Trump.

Up, up and away…

Jim

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